Obstacles to Mindfulness

 




When you are learning to be more mindful, there are always going to be things that stop you from your journey because we're human, and shit happens.   In Buddhism, these are called "fetters" or "hindrances", but on the Mindful Path, we call them obstacles, impediments, hurdles, or closed doors.  These are anything that can get in the way of your journey to towards peace.  Remember, these things will always come up.  Always.  So when they do, do not berate yourself for "falling off the path" or failing in any way.  Instead, see these as obstacles you have to maneuver over along your path in order to move forward.  You may never eliminate them fully (we are human, after all), but you can learn easier and easier ways to overcome them the longer you walk the path.

All of these can be plotted on the path to suffering (which is the opposite of the Mindful Path), such as oblivious understanding, oblivious thinking, oblivious speech, oblivious actions, oblivious desire, oblivious consumption, oblivious love, oblivious boundaries, etc.


Obstacles to Mindfulness and Peace


Aversion/Discrimination/Resistance/Close-Mindedness/Hate


When you don't like something, you build an aversion to it.  So instead, be open.  Danielle LaPorte says that she will go onto Instagram and follow people who think the opposite of her on purpose, just so she can open her mind to see if she can find some truth in how these other people think (I am not sure if she really does this herself, but it's good advice nonetheless).  I've spent a lot of time with people who think differently than I do, and I've begun to change my aversions to certain things because of it.  Remember the motto: "Always Be Open" (unless you have to be closed for security reasons--as in to protect yourself) as opposed to the idea "always be closing", which is what salespeople use.  We're not selling anything, but we're also not buying anything either, we're just observing.  Be open to new ideas, different ways of thinking, even if they are harmful in some way to someone.  Unless the idea is hurt someone directly, then get help.  But if it's just an idea, rather than closing yourself off to it, listen.  See if you learn something.  You don't have to like it, but you can understand where the other person is coming from rather than shutting them down immediately.

Booklist: 
  • "The Open Mind: Exploring the 6 Patterns of Natural Intelligence" by W.A. Mathieu
  • "The Art of Thinking Clearly" by Rolf Dobelli
  • "The World Beyond Your Head: On Becoming an Individual in an Age of Distraction" by Matthew B. Crawford
  • "Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking" by Malcolm Gladwell
  • "The Power of Thinking Differently" by Nick Hall
  • "The Thinking Person's Guide to Writing in the 21st Century" by Brooke Noel Moore and Richard Parker
  • "The Open-Mindedness Handbook: How to Clear Your Mind, Open Your Heart, and Reach Your Goals" by Bill Crawford
  • "The Power of Thinking for Yourself" by Maurice J. Elias
  • "The Art of Being Open-Minded" by Kelly Flanagan
  • "The Open Mind: Cold War Politics and the Sciences of Human Nature" by Jamie Cohen-Cole

These books offer a variety of perspectives on the importance and benefits of being open-minded, as well as strategies for developing and maintaining an open mind in various contexts.



Ignorance


Ignorance is not always bliss.  Sometimes, it can hurt others or ourselves.  When Christopher McCandless took the Alaskan bush by himself to prove something to himself and the world that he knew nothing about, his ignorance took his life from him (read about this in "Into the Wild" by Jon Krakauer).  Brittney Murphy's ignorance to the type of person her husband was (who neglected her illness until it was too late) also took her life from her.  Thousands of people every single day get duped by con-men and women, due their ignorance of being able to recognize the signs of a liar.  The same can be said for those who get into abusive relationships with narcissists.  Ignorance of how medicine works causes parents to not vaccinate their children, which exposes them (and everyone else) to deadly diseases.  I, used to believe that GMOs were harmful and bad, and that eating food sprayed with pesticides were harmful to a consumer's health.  But then I educated myself on actual science and learned better.  The opposite of ignorance is knowledge, and usually it comes from enough life experience that we learn our lessons.  The lessons can be small or huge, depending on what we go through.  But we can also combat these experiences before they happen if we choose a life dedicated to learning.  And to take what we think we know based on things we read online or hear from our family and friends and investigate the truth instead.  We can stop spreading ignorance by educating ourselves before sharing these thoughts and ideas, too.  The booklist below are books on random subjects but are a start to helping us all become a little more knowledgeable in life.  

Booklist:
  • "The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark" by Carl Sagan
  • "How to Read a Book" by Mortimer Adler and Charles Van Doren
  • "The Art of Learning: A Journey in the Pursuit of Excellence" by Josh Waitzkin
  • "The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book" by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves
  • "Enlightenment Now: The Case for Reason, Science, Humanism, and Progress " by Steven Pinker
  • "The Self-Taught Programmer: The Definitive Guide to Programming Professionally" by Cory Althoff
  • "The Knowledge: How to Rebuild Our World from Scratch" by Lewis Dartnell
  • "Thinking, Fast and Slow" by Daniel Kahneman
  • "The Best Book on the Market: A Complete Guide to the Stock Market" by Peter Lynch and John Rothchild
  • "The Feynman Lectures on Physics" by Richard Feynman
  • "The 48 Laws of Power" by Robert Greene

These books cover a wide range of topics and offer a variety of strategies for increasing knowledge and understanding in various areas. They explore topics such as critical thinking, learning and memory, emotional intelligence, and the process of scientific discovery, and offer practical advice for improving one's knowledge and understanding in these areas.



Restlessness


This is the state of a person who cannot settle in the present moment.  Living in the past or the future, but never in the present moment, always wanting more and unable to see what's in front of them.  We all go through this sometimes.  Sitting and being fully present in the moment and letting go of what we think we should be doing is the only prescription for this state of "monkey mind".  The opposite of restlessness is learning how to be calm.  

Booklist:
  • "The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself" by Michael A. Singer
  • "Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life" by Jon Kabat-Zinn
  • "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche
  • "The Art of Peace" by Morihei Ueshiba
  • "The Tao of Pooh" by Benjamin Hoff
  • "The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment" by Eckhart Tolle
  • "Peace is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life" by Thich Nhat Hanh
  • "The Calm Center: Reflections and Meditations on the Great Perfection of Wisdom" by Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche
  • "The Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives" by Dan Millman
  • "Be Still and Know: Reflections on Peace and Inner Calm" by Benjamin Bonetti

These books offer a variety of perspectives and strategies for finding inner peace and calm in the face of life's challenges. They cover topics such as mindfulness, meditation, and spiritual growth, and offer practical advice for incorporating these principles into daily life.



Doubt/Indecisiveness/Worry


Too much doubt will bring about too much wondering and thinking.  When you think too much, you get stuck in your brain instead of doing.  This obstacle can lead to anxiety or prevent you from taking action, so the quicker you realize you're having these thoughts (or even restlessness), do something to fix it ASAP. 

Booklist: 
  • "The Five Second Rule" by Mel Robbins
  • "The Worry Trick: How Your Brain Tricks You into Expecting the Worst and What You Can Do About It" by David A. Carbonell
  • "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" by Edmund J. Bourne
  • "The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety: A Guide to Breaking Free from Anxiety, Phobias, and Worry Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy" by John P. Forsyth and Georg H. Eifert
  • "Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life: How Dialectical Behavior Therapy Can Put You in Control" by Scott E. Spradlin
  • "The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook" by Martha Davis, Elizabeth Robbins Eshelman, and Matthew McKay
  • "The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Anxiety: A Step-by-Step Program" by William J. Knaus
  • "The Anxiety Toolkit: Strategies for Fine-Tuning Your Mind and Moving Past Your Stuck Points" by Alice Boyes
  • "The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt" by Russ Harris
  • "The Upside of Stress: Why Stress Is Good for You, and How to Get Good at It" by Kelly McGonigal
  • "The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living" by Russ Harris
These books offer a variety of approaches and strategies for dealing with anxiety and worrying, including cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness and acceptance, and dialectical behavior therapy. 



Self-Doubt/Insecurity

We all forget how amazing we truly are.  Usually this happens daily.  In fact, it could be most of our lives if we don't start paying attention.  Being insecure can stem from many things, but usually it's due to harsh criticism in childhood.  But it can also come from being a highly sensitive person, as well.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  But you are pretty amazing. You just have to start paying attention to all the good stuff you do.  I know that many people can do amazing things and they will always think that it's still not good enough.  It's something that plagues so many people throughout their entire lives.  But your job is become aware of your insecurities (make a list when they come up) and do the work to get better. 

Booklist:

And to remember just how amazing you are, you should make a BAT list for yourself.  BAT stands for blessings, achievements, and talents list.  This comes from the book "Creating Your Best Life: The Ultimate Life List Guide" by Carol Adams Miller and Dr. Michael B. Frisch.  Also check out "Emotional Sensitivity and Intensity" by Imi Lo, "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Made Simple" by Seth J. Gillihan, PhD, "Self Esteem" by Matthew McKay, PhD (there's a workbook, too), and 



Fear

This is numero uno when it comes to things that hold us back in life.  Fear can be good in some situations, but in most, it's just something that closes the door for us.  When fear holds us back in life, it could be due to low self-esteem, past abuse, or even PTSD/CPTSD.  Also, they have found that when someone experiences trauma, it can encode in our DNA, which be passed down from generation to generation (which means, you may even not know why you fear something) (here is a video that talks about this).  Fear is great when something bad is actually happening.  It can keep us safe.  But most of the time, it's just an obstacle to be overcome.  

Booklist:
  • "The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt" by Russ Harris
  • "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers
  • "The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
  • "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead" by Brené Brown
  • "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl
  • "Awaken the Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny!" by Tony Robbins
  • "The Five Second Rule" by Mel Robbins (not related to Tony, as far as I know LOL)



Guilt/Shame

If you do something bad, first understand what you did wrong, and how it hurt the other person.  Then apologize (for real) and then make amends.  You have to do both for it to actually mean something.  But beyond that, you need to forgive yourself.  But most guilt doesn't even come from doing something bad, it comes from having abusive parents who taught us that unless we're perfect, we're bad, and we should feel guilty for it.  So, if you're feeling guilty, ask yourself: did you actually do something wrong, or is someone gaslighting you into you giving into what they want from you?  If you did something wrong, do your best to make amends, and if someone refuses to forgive you, eventually you have to let it go.  If you did something wrong that was on accident, you need to learn to forgive yourself, otherwise how can you ever be happy in life?  We all make mistakes.  Even HUGE ones sometimes.  You aren't alone in feeling this way.  But there comes a point when we need to move on from it and learn from it and do better in the future.  And when we do, we can look back and say "Look, I've come a long way.  I am doing better now."  We all live with SO much guilt in our lives.  Maybe make a list of all things that you feel guilty for (which is akin to shame), and then throw that list in the garbage and start anew.  

Booklist:

  • "The Guilt and Shame Workbook: Exercises to Help You Face Your Feelings, Accept Yourself, and Improve Your Life" by Karen K. Leon
  • "The Self-Esteem Workbook" by Glenn R. Schiraldi
  • "The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression: Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to Move Through Depression and Create a Life Worth Living" by Kirk D. Strosahl and Patricia J. Robinson
  • "The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis
  • "The Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive" by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer
  • "Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha" by Tara Brach
  • "The Forgiveness Project: Stories for a Vengeful Age" by Marina Cantacuzino
  • "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel van der Kolk
  • "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brené Brown
These books offer a variety of approaches and strategies for managing guilt, including cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness and acceptance.



Anger

Anger can be a motivating influence for change.  But if you keep your anger held in, eventually it will turn into rage, and that will be much harder to control.  So for now, work through your anger while it's still just a flame and not a volcano.  You can do that in a myriad of ways, but usually talking with someone who is a good listener is a great way to start.  You can also express your anger in art, in writing, in music, or some other creative way.  Or you can take up sports or exercise.  You can also read the books I've listed below to get started on managing your anger, too.  

Booklist:

  • "The Anger Management Workbook" by William Glasser and Raymond Chip Tafrate
  • "The Anger Control Workbook" by Matthew McKay, Peter D. Rogers, and Kim Paleg
  • "Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life: How Dialectical Behavior Therapy Can Put You in Control" by Scott E. Spradlin
  • "The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anger: Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to Manage Anger and Other Strong Emotions" by Matthew McKay, John P. Forsyth, and Georg H. Eifert
  • "The Anger Workbook for Women: How to Keep Your Anger from Undermining Your Self-Esteem, Your Emotional Balance, and Your Relationships" by Lorraine Bilodeau
  • "Anger Management for Everyone: Seven Proven Ways to Control Anger and Live a Happier Life" by Raymond Chip Tafrate and Howard Kassinove
  • "Anger Management in a Nutshell: The Definitive Guide to Controlling Anger and Achieving Peace of Mind" by Tony Northrup
  • "The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook" by Martha Davis, Elizabeth Robbins Eshelman, and Matthew McKay
  • "The Science of Positivity: Stop Negative Thought Patterns By Changing Your Brain Chemistry" by Loretta Graziano Breuning
These books offer a variety of approaches and strategies for managing anger, including cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness and acceptance, and dialectical behavior therapy. 




Self-Sabotage  

We all do this in some way or another.  We break something that's working perfectly well for us, or we stop something good before it can start.  Why?  Because we fear success.  We fear being loved.  We fear having to do something and not being ready.  We fear doing something that may ask too much of us.  We fear that if we don't stop it, we will fuck it up ourselves.  But most all, we fear we aren't good enough.  Most likely because we were told that from birth, whether by words or the actions of our caregivers.  We feel safe in our little box because we know what to expect from that box.  We may not like our boxes, but we fear leaving it due to what I just said.  We sabotage ourselves because we fear that what they say is true.  We fear we really aren't good enough, and if we keep moving forward, we may just prove it.  Quitting is better than failure, right?  And not starting at all is even better than that.  We can fail if we choose not to participate.  

But don't let self-sabotage make you feel guilt or shame.  Sometimes we quit before we start because something just isn't right for us.  And sometimes we sabotage something because we know something really isn't right for us.  On the outside, we looked like we just messed everything up, but on the inside, sometimes we have a reason for what we choose, even if we don't quite know what that is.  So the real issue isn't what we did, it's how we went about doing it.  When you're learning to be mindful, you will come to realize that your actions can hurt yourself or others, due to oblivious thinking (or negative thinking).  You can still choose to quit something in life without making it messy.  You can choose better and know if that you truly do not want something in your life, you do not have to sabotage it to make it go away.  You can choose the proper way to go about ending it (like, dumping a guy rather than sleeping with his BFF, etc.).  Also, if you fear moving forward in your life because you're scared to mess it up, so you run in guns blazing and make a mess of things, you'll learn with mindfulness instead to really investigate what you're feeling and see if what it is is just fear, or if there is some truth to it.  And then move forward accordingly. 

Booklist:

  • "The Self-Sabotage Cycle: Why We Repeat Behaviors That Hold Us Back, and How to Change Them" by Judith Sills
  • "The Self-Sabotage Solution: The Five Keys to Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior" by Lisa Ferentz
  • "Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One" by Joe Dispenza
  • "The Inner Critic, Inner Wisdom Dialogues: How to Transform Your Critic and Make Friends with Your Inner Wisdom" by Hal Stone and Sidra Stone
  • "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life" by Mark Manson
  • "The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt" by Russ Harris
  • "The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment" by Eckhart Tolle
  • "The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom" by Don Miguel Ruiz




Envy/Jealousy

Being jealous someone else has what you don't will never give you want you want.  Instead, let them have their cake and you just go find your own cake.  It may taste different, but if you were meant to have that other cake, you would have it.  So practice radical acceptance and know that one day, you may have some of that cake, or maybe you won't.  And just maybe, you were meant for a more delicious cake somewhere else in life.

If you're jealous that your significant other is flirting with someone else, you need to have a talk with them about how you're feeling.  If find yourself not being heard, then maybe you need to seek counseling.  But obsessively checking up on them or always accusing them of cheating, it won't do you any good.  It won't stop someone from cheating who is, and it won't prove someone is cheating who isn't.  If you find yourself doing this, then you need to seek out your own therapist, and work out what the underlying issue that is causing this is.

Booklist: 
  • "The Envy Cure: Learn to Stop Comparing and Start Living" by Jealousy, Resentment, Envy, and Other Negative Emotions Kathryn Tristan
  • "The Emotional Intelligence Workbook: 50 Techniques to Enhance Your EQ" by Steven J. Stein
  • "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions" by Christopher K. Germer



    Selfishness/Greed

    I was born an only child and still am to this day.  So, I know something about being selfish.  But what I've learned is that the only way to get through life whole is to share it with other people.  And if I am too busy being selfish, then how can I let the people around me feel like they are in this with me?  I don't always like sharing, but I do it anyways, because I know it's the right thing to do.  I don't share everything, though.  Just the stuff I know I need to share.  

    Greed means to actively be so selfish that you hoard wonderful things for yourself, even though other people need them to.  Being like this means one is not mindful in the least, and maybe needs a little Scrooge adventure.  Though true greedy people would never be changed by ghosts of anything past, because most truly greedy people are narcissists, who are unchangable.  

    Booklist:

    (for work)

    • "The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace: Empowering Organizations by Encouraging People" by Gary Chapman and Paul White
    • "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change" by Stephen R. Covey
    • "The Cooperative Way: The Secret of Working Together for Success" by John C. Crosby
    • "Collaboration: How Leaders Avoid the Traps, Build Common Ground, and Reap Big Results" by Morten T. Hansen
    • "The Emotional Intelligence Workbook: 50 Techniques to Enhance Your EQ" by Steven J. Stein
    • "The Compassionate Leader: How to Build Trust, Empathy, and Resilience in Your Team" by Maura Thomas
    • "The Culture Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Groups" by Daniel Coyle
    • "Influencer: The Power to Change Anything" by Kerry Patterson
    • "The Everything Communication Book: Winning Strategies to Help You Communicate More Effectively in the Workplace" by Patrice Yeoman
    • "The Art of Possibility: Transforming Professional and Personal Life" by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander

    (for self)


    • "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead" by Brené Brown
    • "The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom" by Don Miguel Ruiz
    • "The Art of Happiness" by Dalai Lama
    • "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions" by Christopher K. Germer
    • "The Compassionate Leader: How to Build Trust, Empathy, and Resilience in Your Team" by Maura Thomas
    • "The Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive" by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer
    • "The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment" by Eckhart Tolle
    • "Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha" by Tara Brach
    • "The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living" by Russ Harris



      Obsession

      What are you obsessed with?  Your looks?  Your house being clean?  Being thin?  Looking smart?  The issue with obsession is that your thoughts are on what you should be doing, and not what is.  Now, there is a difference between OCD and what we're referring to here.  OCD is a mental illness, one that should be helped by a professional.  What we're talking about here is being obsessed with outwardly things, to the point of sacrificing your morals, your ideals, and mostly, yourself.  Losing yourself over making sure you look good to others is not part of the path to peace.  Here are some great books on both OCD and overcoming being self-obsessed: 

      Booklist: 
       
      (for OCD)


      • "Compulsive Acts: An Anthology of Obsessive Behavior" edited by Jennifer Hunter
      • "Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Demystified: An Essential Guide for Understanding and Living with OCD" by Cheryl Carmin
      • "The OCD Workbook: Your Guide to Breaking Free from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder" by Bruce M. Hyman and Cherlene Pedrick
      • "The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD: A Guide to Overcoming Obsessions and Compulsions Using Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" by Jon Hershfield and Tom Corboy
      • "Overcoming Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go" by Steven Stern
      • "The Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Obsessive Bad Thoughts" by Lee Baer
      • "Intrusive Thoughts in Clinical Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment" edited by David A. Clark and Christine Purdon
      • "The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma: Re-enactment, Revictimization, and Masochism" by Christine K. Kroner
      • "The Heart of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: A Balanced Approach to Resolving OCD's Rituals and Obsessions" by Michael A. Jenike and Brian L. Stanton
      • "Brain Lock: Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior" by Jeffrey M. Schwartz

      (for regular obsession)


      • "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life" by Mark Manson
      • "The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom" by Don Miguel Ruiz
      • "The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life's Challenges" by Paul Gilbert
      • "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead" by Brené Brown
      • "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brené Brown
      • "The Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Method to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive" by Kristin Neff
      • "The Mindful Way through Self-Compassion: Finding Peace and Resilience in Times of Struggle" by Chris Germer, Kristin Neff, and Sarah Bowen
      • "The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment" by Eckhart Tolle
      • "The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself" by Michael A. Singer
      • "The Courage to be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga




      Irritation/Frustration

      I have ASD, so getting frustrated can be super easy for me.  I know when I am getting overwhelmed that the only thing that really helps is to remove myself from the situation and relax for a moment.  It's not always easy to do, or even doable at all at times, but I will try as much as I can to leave the room and lock the door behind me and just breathe.  One thing that really helps is remember something from the book "Good Citizens" by Thich Nhat Hanh: breathe in, recognize the negative feeling, breathe out, let it go.  This helped me so much back when I was at my peak of anxiety back in 2018.  I hadn't driven in years and using that helped keep me calm until I was able to drive everywhere again.  But it also works for anger, irritation, and frustration.  And you can even do it silently, which is great, because everyone around me are usually being too noisy, which is what leads to my frustration.  

      The act of breathing and focusing my breath is one that keeps me from saying stupid things when I am irritated.  So I breathe, and then express myself, even if I don't want to.  I tell someone "Can you stop (insert action here) please?  I am feeling overwhelmed right now."  If they don't, I will remove myself.  Irritation and frustration are normal in life.  You'll never be rid of those feelings, as long as you're a human.  But the trick is in walking the Mindful Path, isn't removing obstacles completely, but rather just working with them as best you can.  Here are some great books on relaxation, which is one key in managing your irritation: 

      Booklist:
       
      • "Good Citizens" by Thich Nhat Hanh
      • "The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook" by Martha Davis, Elizabeth Robbins Eshelman, and Matthew McKay
      • "The Art of Relaxation" by Lee Albert
      • "The Relaxation Response" by Herbert Benson
      • "The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment" by Eckhart Tolle
      • "Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life" by Jon Kabat-Zinn
      • "The Mindful Way through Stress: The Proven 8-Week Path to Health, Happiness, and Well-Being" by Susan M. Pollak, Christopher K. Germer, and Saki F. Santorelli
      • "Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness" by Jon Kabat-Zinn
      • "The Tao of Relaxation: Timeless Wisdom for a Busy World" by Andrew Weil
      • "The Relaxation Revolution: The Science and Genetics of Mind Body Healing" by Herbert Benson and William Proctor
      • "The Little Book of Mindfulness: 10 Minutes a Day to Less Stress, More Peace" by Patrizia Collard


      Violence

      So many people use violence every single day in many ways: through their actions, their speech, and their thoughts.  We can not only be physically violent, but verbally violent, and emotionally violent, whether to others or even ourselves.  And many of us don't even mean to (though some do).  Accusations, negative thoughts, anger, being reactionary, and acting from a place of fear can all be a part of violence, too.  And most of these actions are habitual (which can be overcome), and even passed down through generations.  Here are some books how to be less violent in our lives:

      Booklist:

      • "The Power of Nonviolence: Writings by Advocates of Peace" edited by Howard Zinn
      • "The Peace Book" by Todd Parr
      • "The Nonviolent Life" by John Dear
      • "The Power of Nonviolence: Writings by Advocates of Peace" edited by Howard Zinn
      • "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships" by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
      • "Communicate Your Feelings (without starting a fight): What to Say and What Not to Say to Your Partner" by Nic Saluppo



      Attachment

      Being attached to an idea, stuff, an outcome of a situation, a person and/or their actions, or anything else will just bring you suffering.  The idea that "all life is suffering" is a part of Buddhist wisdom, but one of the ways we suffer is through being attached things or ideas.  You can lose stuff.  You can find out an idea you believed in is not true.  The outcome of a situation may not be in your favor.  People in your life may come and go.  Being attached to these things and then losing them or having them change only hurts you.  So, the trick is to not become attached to the outcome.  Accept that life equals change, and that ideas and ideals will always change as well (or rather, should).  See yourself as a flexible as water: you go where the path leads you.  Here are some great books on this idea:

      Booklist: 

      • "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle
      • "The Untethered Soul" by Michael A. Singer
      • "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche
      • "The Art of Living" by Thich Nhat Hanh
      • "The Wisdom of No Escape" by Pema Chödrön
      • "The Way of Zen" by Alan W. Watts
      • "The Book of Joy" by Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu
      • "The Tibetan Art of Living" by Christopher Hansard
      • "The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness" by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche
      • "The Four Noble Truths" by the Dalai Lama 



      Projection

      Projection is when you take something you're feeling or acting like and projecting it on others.  There is a popular saying that goes "Whatever you hate in others is what you hate or fear in yourself."  Say you hate fat people.  You most likely fear getting fat because someone has fat shamed you in the past.  As a teen, I was fat shamed, even though I was a size 7 and 125lbs (I am 5'7").  I never hated fat people, but my fear of being fat turned into an eating disorder.  I was obsessed with being skinny (another obstacle to peace).  But, my fear of having my eating disorder led me to shaming other girls my age who were skinnier than I was, and I said they were anorexic.  I was covering my own anorexia by making everyone else believe these other girls were anorexic.  Not only that, but by shaming them, I looked like someone who would never be anorexic myself, because I must obviously hate anorexic people.  As it turns out, some of those girls came to me in our late 30's and talked about what a bully I was for picking on them for that, even though they weren't anorexic.  I was so self-involved that I didn't even think I was hurting them.  I was just trying to cover up my own bullshit.  How awful is that?

      So, the next time someone picks on you, know that it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them projecting their own bullshit onto you.  It's 100% about them.  And know that this applies to you, too.  When you hate someone else for something they do, or someone else annoys you, etc. know that it's you hating on whatever that person is representing inside of you.  Here are some books on this:

      Booklist: 

      • "The Voice of Knowledge" by Don Miguel Ruiz (this is hands down the best book on this subject)
      • "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brené Brown
      • "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead" by Brené Brown
      • "The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love" by Sonya Renee Taylor
      • "The Self-Acceptance Project: How to Be Kind and Compassionate Toward Yourself in Any Situation" by Madhuri Grewal
      • "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" by Kristin Neff


      Codependency

      When you love someone more than you love yourself, that's normal.  But when you care about someone more than you respect yourself, that's codependency.  It's an imbalanced relationship pattern.  But it's also selfish.  You may think you're giving everything to this other person, to the point of being a doormat or even to the point that you are invisible and disappear, you may think that means that you're loyal.  Or that you deserve their love if you just follow everything they say and/or do.  You never stop think for yourself and say "Wait, is what this person saying right?  Is what they are asking me to do right?"  Just being blind to the way someone behaves does not make you better than others, nor does it make you worthy of that person's love.  You just being you makes you worthy.  And if that person won't love you if you act like yourself, then you need to walk away and find someone new.  

      And know, when I say "love", it could mean friendship, romantic love, or even familial love.  Or, it could mean the relationship between a boss and an employee.  Codependency, as well as narcissism (which go hand in hand), is a HUGE epidemic all over the world (pandemic?).  It's everywhere, and it's been here since the dawn of man.  The more powerful (aka, controlling) people control the people they see as weaker (and when I say this, know this doesn't mean they are actually weak, in fact, they are pretty awesome and nice), and it makes this horrible dysfunctional relationship cycle that is passed down from generation to generation.  And it's up to you to break it the cycle.  I broke my cycle with my mother and the rest of my dysfunctional family, and you can too.  The trick is to recognize who you're blindly following without question.  And start from there.  

      Booklist:
      • "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie
      • "The Healing Power of Empathy: A Practical Guide for Adding Depth and Breadth to Your Life" by Beverly Engel
      • "The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependency" by Melody Beattie
      • "Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives" by Pia Mellody
      • "The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation" by Melody Beattie
      • "Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time" by Melody Beattie
      • "Breaking Free from the Co-Dependency Trap" by Barry K. Weinhold and Janae B. Weinhold
      • "The Tao of Inner Peace" by Diane Dreher
      • "The 48 Laws of Power" by Robert Greene (this teaches you how to recognize narcissistic behavior so you can see who you are being codependent with)



      Sidenote: If you may notice, that in Buddhism, they always include "desire" as a fetter or an obstacle.  That's because in Buddhism, desire is seen as a "future" state, rather than a "present" one.  But without desire, we not move forward in life.  There is is a wrong way to desire things.  That would include greed, envy, or using Oblivious Consumption.  But there also is a right way to desire things, which is Mindful Desire or healthy desire (such as desiring to be on this journey together), which is why we've included it in the Mindful Path.  Not all desire is wrong, just as not all consumption is wrong, or anything else on the path. 


      Another sidenote: Also know that many of the booklists are repeats, and that's because many of these obstacles are dealing with the same core negative beliefs of oneself, which are unworthiness and shame.  


      The way you overcome these obstacles is something Master Yi (a Buddhist Shaolin Master) calls RAIN: 

      • Recognize the obstacle.
      • Accept the situation as it is (rather than let the obstacle stop you).
      • Investigate your emotional state (to see what the underlying emotion is causing the obstacle).
      • Non-Identify with it (meaning to see it as something you're witnessing or observing, as you are not your body, mind, or emotions themselves).

      You can watch his TedX Talk on RAIN here: 

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